stir it up in our hearts Lord... stir it up in our hearts... a passion... passion for YOur name...
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Stand Amazed
I don’t really know how long forever is But that’s how long I’m gonna give my life Everything I face, it tries to tear me down No I won’t back away from the sacrifice I won’t forget what you’re love means to me You’re always there to light my way
When all the lights go down and the world is quiet No one is around I wanna be the same man that will serve you then Like I serve you now That my convictions never change O let my need for you remain As real as the moment I was saved I will always stand amazed
Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things When the moment comes help me to trust Something better that you have for me If I could just hold on to you enough I won’t forget what you’re love means to me You’re always there to light my way
You will be my strength when I am weak When I wanna give in and not turn the other cheek Let this be the prayer that I speak That I speak
I feel so unworthy and undeserving as I go about it everyday.
I feel as if I'm not making the most of what you've given me, and I can't bring myself to understand why.
Dear Jesus,
I'm talking about the friends you've given to me, but I'm sure You knew that already.
Somehow throughout the course of my life I've not been able to cherish those who mean so much to me.
I've not been able to do the things that stereotypical "great" friends do, and on the contrary, most of the things I do are so shitty compared to what they've done for me.
Sometimes when the fault is so much mine I try to reason that it's not at all, that maybe they are the ones who need to consider themselves.
Dear Jesus,
I feel like a downright hypocrite.
Why do I go on doing this even in the face of true friendship shown to me? Such friendship that I never knew nor ever believed existed till I experienced it?
I seem to be everything that is an antonym of altruism.
Do I pursue friends for the purpose of my own gain??
The closer I get for the more they could help me?
I don't know.
On one hand it does, yet on the other hand it doesn't.
Dear Jesus,
I feel so much like a Judas right now.
I'm apparently so much thirsting after You, being in Your presence and worshipping You, yet will I turn away at what the world offers?
Would I betray my friends for selfish ambitions and personal gain?
Will I just become one of the world in all her foolish and wicked ways?
I don't know.
I really don't want to but I don't know.
Guess this is what they call the ever constant temptation of the world.
Dear Jesus,
Could it be because of my upbringing?
That I never had friends who really cared and shared with each other till mid-sec school?
But even then, I've been given plenty the chance to learn, very many times.
Can I say then that it's because the kind of close friendship that was shared was one that didn't need much expression? Sort of an intuitive kinda thing.
But as ever, I shoot myself in the heart.
I know that actions speak so much louder than words, and it's me who's not doing anything just about all the time.
shit.
Dear Jesus,
It's so enticing to say that You don't really understand me at all, that You haven't been through what I've been through cos You've lived Your life differently and are of no help to me.
But then I'd just shoot myself again.
You had it the worst.
I guess the only difference between the two of us was that You chose to give each and every single time without fail.
And I didn't.
You knew exactly why You did everything.
I don't know why I'm doing anything, given that I do anything at all.
Dear Jesus,
What will become of the future?
Will I just leave so many friends behind like I have in the past?
Will I just let them slide away because of my ignorance?
Will I even care??
Will I be hated?
Will they forgive me?
Will You forgive me?
Dear Jesus,
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't.
I need to not think so much; to think less, and to do more.
Somehow I always think of the worst, and that brings me to do and not do so many things that move me in the wrong direction.
His rugged back ached as he pressed his frail frame back against the wall. His hands - young and tender, trembled uncontrollaby as he tried to grip the dusty floor beneath him. His clothes - tattered, torn and dirty, couldn't provide any more solace than the thick smell of alcohol that saturated the air about him in that dark, damp and cold cellar.
His heart would skip a beat each time he heard a gunshot. They seemed to be getting ever closer; ever seeming to burst through the door any moment and down the stairs toward him. He wanted so so much to be in the arms of his father, to hold him just once more and know that he was secure, but as much as he wished, he knew it was impossible.
All he could recall was being violently awoken by his older brother who carried and thrust him into the basement before locking the door from the outside, leaving him dazed and confused as he tried to make sense of what was about him.
"We'll be back for you, I promise."
Those were the last words he ever heard his brother whisper.
He couldn't understand, he never was told much. As the days passed, the glow in his father's eyes ever seemed to fade. Even his mother gradually lost the exuberance and positiveness in her being, and though she told him everything was alright, he knew it wasn't. Thoughts flooded his mind as the tears poured down his thin, angular cheeks. He couldn't explain the tears, but somehow crying was all he wanted to do.
The entire house suddenly erupted with commotion as he was jolted back into reality. Shots rang out all over the place. Screaming unlike anything he had ever heard ensued. All to distinctly, he knew it was his mother.
Rage filled his body, he wanted so much to save his mother from the agony. She was old and weak, how could they do such cruel things to her?? But yet the fear of everything kept him frozen in the corner.
The shout that he had inside of him escaped as a bare whisper, even his vocal chords seemed to have broken as all that came out was a harsh burst of air.
"ma...ma...."
Tears afresh poured from his eyes, now red and bloodshot from crying. He was young, he couldn't do anything against the millions of German troops out there. He hated it. Why was he so small? Why was he so weak??
Why was he a jew?
The noise abruptly subsided after a few more gunshots. He waited for what seemed like an eternity before crawling his way to the cellar door.
"papa...?"
The eerie silence was all that answered him.
He knew it. He knew what had happened, as much as he refused to believe it. They were gone, all of them. All of them.
He slumped back against the wall in anguish but there were no more tears to be shed. His eyes were already dry and hurting like crazy. And in that moment of utter despair and pain, the teachings of his Sunday School teacher came to him.
"and never forget, God is with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He loves you."
There then in the deepest moments of his life, mustering what strength he had left, he took a chalk, drew the star of David, and below it wrote what today is known as the Inscription of Hope from the Holocaust.
These were the words that were found:
I believe in the sun, Even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, Even when there's no one there.
Hi guys, I just wanna say that I'll be posting here very rarely from now on.
I don't use my computer on weekdays anymore, so my weekend time is spent catching up on anime and manga and web news and blogsurfing and whatnot that I used to do on weekdays.
Oh and also, I've decided to create a much more personal webspace for my self to pen my thoughts on everything, mainly about my lovelife though I guess, but other things like studies and beliefs and stuff as well.
It could be said that this blog will soon be dead, but it depends on a huge variety of factors; human constraints and the like.
I'm not going to tell you what or where my new space is, cause I'm not going to pour out my heart to freaking just about everyone.
You can ask though, if you feel that you're not the same to me as everyone else. But please do only if you know that, I don't wanna have to say no to anyone.
You can try finding it, but then again, you'll never know it's me.
would you take what you need? but take less than you give...
I've recently come to be aware of something about me I can't explain..
Well, yeah there are plenty of things but I guess this is the only different thing on my mind now..
Putting it simply: - I have a knack to give to people who come along asking me for money [ be it tissue paper sellers at coffee shops, people doing flag day, or people who try to sell things for their organisation at mrts, particularly orchard]
Okay so maybe calling it a 'knack' might not be the best word, but for lack of a better one for now.
I'm saying this cause as I was on the way to my dental at Orchard after the uber long ocip meeting in school, [i wass late for my appointment already], as I passed the inner doors of the mrt station this young lady wearing a white blouse and jeans approached me.
"Excuse me sir, I'm from so & so and I would like to talk to you about our...."
Very nicely ignoring the fact that I had my earphones plugged in..
But anyway, I never have my music on very loud so I could hear her pretty clearly...
Well putting up my hand to gesture no, while ocntinuing to walk and trying to mouth no thanks, my eye caught sight of two words printed on the clipboard with the organisation papers she was half shoving into my face...
"blah_blah_organisation to help ex-convicts...."
Having noticed I actually took notice of her existence, and maybe cos the look on my face changed a bit, [and maybe because I felt it was plain rude to walk away while someone was talking to me], she sort of said in a fluster:
"will you just stop and listen to me..."
Okay, so maybe I should, and turn to look at her, noticing the green contacts she was wearing. Top marks for looking out-of-this-world I might say.
The look in her eyes too, one quite blatantly readable: Oh crap! Did I just push him too far by saying that?!?! Will it work this time!?!?
Then she went on to cyberspeed everything she was trying to do, her mission and whatnot; me being mentally burdened cos I don't like to be late and I just wanted to get his over with, so basically all I caught was:
".... you don't believe I'm an ex convict right???..... so & so helped me gave me an opportnity... would you like to help by purchasing a pen? [ahh here it is] only $2..."
Oh well.. since I stopped to listen to her, though not understanding anything, I might as well just pay for it... Besides, I did an entire PW PROJECT last year on helping ex-convicts, and I'd just be a plain hypocrite to not assist them now...
Well.. moving on from there, thoughts started flooding into my mind of stuff I've diliberated about over the years...
My mom always tells me not to donate to these kinds of people, preferring to donate straight to charitable organisations via check to their office or sth... and constantly shows me articles of how some people are actually fake and are there to bluff money away from me.. how they always come back to beg for more even though people have donated to them...
But this kind of goes against what I believe in... The Word.. and my heart...
To me it's like this... so what if they might be fake? And use the money for drugs or gambling or drinking?? I'll never know that fully right??
Who am I to judge if they are scheming or not?
And did not the Word say it is more blessed to give than to receive? And to give to the poor and needy??
Well they certainly look needy to me, and I don't recall Jesus turning any beggars away...
Yeah...
I don't know.. kinda cheesy to say this I guess... but my heart doesn't feel right when I walk by some person trying to get help, and the least I can do is to offer what I can... especially so when they make the effort to come personally to ask me..
Sorry for not being around for 186578936891274806130312 light years, guess my trip around the universe took longer than expected.
So, my music Red iPod Blog player is not working, guess I can't really complain about that... Well, now for just some things I brought back in my round-universe-trip.
I must say it's highly exciting to meet so many different type of people in my life. It does add quite a myriad of colour to my social circle which I must say expands faster then I'd like to go in depth to.
And I must say my heart is taking quite the journey in the dimension of love, or rather infatuations and liking for that matter, rollercoastering me left/right/centre/up/down/around... and it gets quite interesting sometimes, when I stop to think of the fickleness of the human emotion, how it can be so easily swayed... but...
I guess it's not right to jam the brakes just anywhere yet. Not for quite a while I think.
But aside from that I'm trying really hard to find myself now.
It's so easy to get caught up in so many things and lose track of what I really want to be, in life, in love, in God, to people...
And I get hopelessly lost sometimes, much more so than I ever have been when I was younger..
I guess I'm starting to understand some of the problems grown ups really face... those that I really couldnt put 2 and 2 together just 2 years ago.
And it doesn't help that the mountain of the A Levels in front of me is really hard to climb.
But oh well, no point treading the easy path when you can rock climb the most challenging route to the top, cos the easy path doesn't bring you there.
Haha I do realise I have been quoting quite a lot recently. I just like to say some things now, quotes or shout outs to people or just general sayings, and I'm not sure if anyone Great has said these things, but I don't care, I've come up with them. Whether or not it applies to me, you figure.
1) All is fair in the game of love and war. Some are just unlucky.
2) When you've liked whoever that is to be liked, you'll find you've liked none at all.
3) I'm looking for the one who's heart can ignite with mine; for God; for life. Yours doesn't.
4) It would have been great if you changed without me having to tell you.
5) You're so fairytale it doesn't amaze me. [fairytales are meant to be amazing right?]
6) I don't know what's beyond the material you. Immaterial?
7) Excelling at anything involves you thinking really hard, save being stupid.
8) I've fallen enough times to stop short of landing my face in the mud again, but that doesn't mean I've stopped slipping.
9) Ignorance of wrong things is bliss. Ignorance of the wrong thing is not. 10) Don't you dare say I loved you. You don't know what love is if you think I did. 11) If you think you've met the right person at the wrong time, come back later to find out if you're right.
Okay that's all for now, till next time yeah?? Hope my quotes aren't cheesy XP bye!
Hey people, here is a poem my brother left me as he goes off for 6 years of further studies. His leaving has made me realise how to world isn't a safe place after all.
I really encourage you to read this poem and to meditate on it truthfully, it really means a whole lot to me. Please take your time to read this. Yupp.
If
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run - Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
It's now the last time I'm celebrating Chinese New Year in a government school.
time really flies..
With the only vivid memory I had when I went on my first Holiday to USA, it seemed that I was only 2 years old yesterday.
time really flies..
I almost swore to myself not to forget how slowly secondary school passed by as I attended it day by day, but now I can't even remember how it was like.
time really flies..
When tomorrow I'd be waking up to play with my 9 year old brother, tomorrow he leaves for 6 years of further study.
time really flies..
i'm not fifteen anymore, my moment has passed.
time really flies..
I'm not young anymore, I'm old now. I'm almost and adult. Oh crap.
time really flies..
I don't wanna graduate, I wanna remain a JC kid forever and party and enjoy everyday I have.
time really flies..
My core group of friends in primary school are totally lost to me now, thankfully my secondary group is still very around.
time really flies..
We are still teens now, when tomorrow comes, will I be at your marriage??
time really flies..
Will we be meeting for dinner tomorrow to catch up and discuss how our children are doing?
time really flies..
Will you be at my child's wedding?
time really flies..
Will you attend my funeral? Or will I be at yours? time really flies..
So I'm finally back after quite a long hiatus haha.
Qian qian, I am going to poke you till you die on monday for your stupid antics on my tagboard!!!!
lol.
Anyway today during swim pe, IHAD A FRIGGIN CRAM !*$^*@!#)!@&*)!@^*)@!^#*)@&#)!!!!!!!
it was REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD!!
It was during water polo and I threw this long ball across the breadth of the pool to Brian, and while kicking myself up to thrust it my right calf CRAMMED!
I tell you it was so friggin tight, take your palm and squeeze it as hard together as you can.
That was how my muscle looked and felt like.
I've never really gotten a cram before till today.
I could almost die la...
It was really tight can... and it didnt go away for 5 minutes....
5 FREAKING MINUTES!!!!!
Swear words that I didnt know I had suddenly came out... which was not a good thing..
And the pain was seriously excruciating... it is still hurting now... I'm limp around my house can..
It took 7 full minutes of insane stretching to finally losen up my muscle... thankfully my legs are flexible if not I'd have died with the stretching.
Darn... hopefully i can recover by tmr.
Arugh... on a lighter note.. my frisbee improved quite a lot today :)
Esp my forehand, all thanks to the expert tutorage of LUO JINGWEI THE GODLIKE PWNER!!!!
Haha yeah and it really made a difference, now i can throw decent forehands!!!!
And so after school I practiced a while more with Jerome then we went to town together and walk here walk there for fun.
We took pictures with soft toys to amuse ourselves hahaha.
Yeah and that's all for today.
Till next time, enjoy the pics =)
(eh sorry jerome i wanted to pose your solo pic but i realise you were carrying something very very wrong that should not be shown on blogs haha)
the start of the mountain, the end of the enclosure.
oho~~!!
So I haven't blogged in quite some time oooops :p Thanks very much anyway to my classmate Chiang JiaYue for doing this very nice template specially for me :):):) Really appreciate it.
ah so many things have been happening, and i'm super excited and happy!!!!!!! For example: Juniors for KI, SA3 and CHOIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i really really want to live up to my seniors who touched me and inspired me so much last year, which seemed so ultra increduous which i only realise now, looking at the huge pile of work they had to balance!!
WAOW!!!!!!!! But at the same time.... im also really worried about my work.. my math which is in such a toubled state.. all the revision for j1 i need to do.. my KI Paper 3 Project which i have to send in my proposal to Cambridge by the end of the month.. and face possible international rejection... with the econs to independently study on as well and chem...
T.T err.. help?!?!?!??????
i really really cant afford to waste anytime this year.. in addition to songwriting and such, i really wanna be on fire both spiritually and academically and chorally, and i really want to go to Cornell to study. yeah i wasted my chances of taking SATs in the hols but i got plenty of chances more.
it's like... i havent got time for anything else.. or even to think about anything else... i guess i could always rationalise from my heart to tell my mind to be able to work out something but, at the cost of other things??
nono. not right now. things are going to change so much this year, im so very sure of that, and i want to wait for the year to pass first. i want to wait for God. i dont want to run in front of Him anymore.
i will however, try my best to keep as many friendships as close as i can, with all the new ones coming in soon = )
no, things can't. its not like i havent told you. sorry.
i'm thinking, there's just that too great a disaprity..
i mean...
yeah i guess if i tried i might actually be able to but...
would it just be obligation??
the more i ponder the more the variety the more enticing it gets, and maybe concurrently it 'apparently' seems to be the right/eous, thing to do..
but would i then be fooling myself??
would it make me anymore of fickle and trifling...
or rather would it be if i did so without thinking and just zeroing now?
hmm.
i dont know.
i always dont.
i just dont want to return to the way i was 2/3 years ago, when i happily went out and stabbed myself, oblivious to the signs.
okay maybe not only 2/3 years ago but maybe nearer too but hey, at least i've learned well and finally managed to convalesce. it feels great now, no more oddity.
not here, not by speech nor conversation to anyone, no matter how close they were to me.
why?
maybe cos it left too deep a scar that i didnt wanna feel again; maybe cos i was too embarrased; maybe cos the memory was too painful to revisit; maybe cos it'd make everyone think i was so stupid.
why i'm going to tell it now?
maybe i've gotten over it; maybe i know it won't affect me anymore now.
i don't know.
this is the story, of why i hung up my tennis racket.
i know, i always told others that i stopped cos i wanted to focus my time and energy to the choir and my o lvl studies.
that was not a lie, but it wasnt the primary reason either, though it was a good reason.
as far as i can remember, i had no idea why i picked up tennis.
i just wanted to play a sport i guess, and since i wasnt too bad at badminton, i decided to try my hand at tennis.
soon i was taking tennis lessons at my club and became all ra-ra about it as i was able to pick it up pretty quick, this was around the end of p6 going into sec1.
my dad was a tennis champion at varsity level and he also became interested in playing once again when i picked it up and started to play.
i was really on a passion high then, putting in all my efforts to play and praying like mad that it wouldnt rain on sundays(my training days) and on school training days.
yes though sometimes i dreaded the tough training, i had to admit it kept me pretty fit and was really fun.
i still remember playing hard to get into the school team(though it wasnt too hard) and the disappointment and joy of losses/victories.
and our team, though still 4th place at the nationals, was never really good...
and i had to come to accept that hard fact sooner or later..
i was never a good player, and knew that i was never going to make it as a career, cos there were tons of players out there who had been practicing for so many more years who were so much better that i could ever be..
and i had to resign to the fact that i sucked. and to top that, i made some big mistakes that really got my coach upset too.
eventually our coach gave up on us and when to teach chinese high instead, who were even worse but apparently had players with better attitude, and we got a new coach who was just as good, if not better that the previous one.
the hope he gave us when he came in inspired me so much that i left choir for 3 months to focus on the national tennis season, since the choir didnt have an syf year and got all hyped up to play again.
that was the period wherei started watching alot more tennis and even tennis anime, and trying out new things with my doubles partner, and that year was really a good chance for us to go futher than ever with our team of good players.
however..
my biggest shame also surfaced then.
to begin, i was never really solid at the basics of tennis, the strokes and stuff, and had a lot of problems focusing on playing well when my coach was around.
it was at the jurong club tennis courts, where we were playing i think chinese high, that i really failed badly.
that i...
killed myself in tennis.
we played a really lousy opponent, and i played the worse i had ever played in my life.
i was able to play very well in terms of service in the first few games. my serves were really strong, till my coach came to watch my match. and i dont know why, but i just crumbled.
i just couldnt serve properly and ended up serving worse than a girl to get the ball in.
to top that, my forehand totally wasnt working at all, and i couldnt hit properly no matter how hard i tried...
and my partner and i still tried out a new formation that we were working on even though i was so lousy..
i can never ever forget the words my coach said to me after that, the words that left me broken:
"if not for ernest(my partner) we would have lost. do you know how shitty you played out there? the st patricks tennis team boys were laughing at you, saying how lousy you were, that playing you would be too easy! and worst of all, you had THE CHEEK to try out that formation!"
i couldnt take the pain for the rest of that day. i just was totally turned off.
and the match just before the semifinals, i got owned totally by the stpatricks guy.
i just gave up after that. told my coach that i wanted to drop out of the tennis team when the season had ended.
i attended the cca trainings for a while after that but just gradually stopped going.
all the cca records still appeared in my cca cert though, but to me, it was just a taint to make me never forget my horrifying experience.
since that day, i hung up my racket.
i never played hard again cos the memory would just come back.
i think ive completely lost all my skill now, not that i ever had very much, and although sometimes i still feel the urge to swing freely once again, i know i cant. time just wont allow me.
well lucky for me, ive got something else to focus on now, and i know now how never to end up where i was before.
so many things have happened this year, and i shant try to list it down or it'll take me forever haha.
the memories are so vibrant and full, the experiences so unforgettable, from the extremely painful times to the bubble-bursting joyfullness and from the stoning/spacingout to the peaceful and more serene times...
each thing had its purpose in making my year that much more special..
and i have to say..
though i may have thought otherwise alot at times, the year couldnt have passed any other way better..
and it was perfect.
and i now know how much further i can go, and as long as i dont measure myself against anything, ill never stop.
i just wanna make a shoutout right now to everyone who has been such a blessing to me,
hi. this is a bit of a song i wrote recently haha. yeah. its not quite done yet and the volume is really soft but if you can turn it up its quite clear. hope you like it. pardon the not so high quality.
p.s.:i like the intro :)
OKAY OKAY OKAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THE MUSIC PLAYER HAS RAISED MY SONG BY A FEW KEYS AND MADE ME SOUND LIKE A SOUTHPARK/PUNKROCKCHICK VOICE IN ADDITION TO MAKING MY SONG 10 TIMES FASTER!!!
haha please pardon the player while i sort out whats wrong. but i must admit, this voice actually sounds quite nice and recorded hahaha. you should hear it. dont die laughing.
if you want the full chorus ask me and ill send you the proper version. yupp.
His gaze is out the window But thoughts are far away He may be with many people but his Minds not there to stay
And he’s aware that he is barely there.. And he wonders why each hour, searching his heart and soul for why he doesn’t care
He wants to, run to the moon Or rather, sink to the ocean floor just, Run away, start anew Far from all that’s real and true Fly to a star, or maybe Freeze in Antarctica just Hide in a box, addressed to nowhere Instead of facing what’s right there…
i'm not discouraged anymore, cos the message spoke right to my heart.
i've got to be bold.
i've got to make the prophetic moves cos if i won't, who will?
i once heard that it takes an average of 7 invites just to get someone down to church, and the probability of the person then coming to accept Jesus is rarely ever 100%.
but.
there still is the probability, no matter how small it may be, and the odds stack up to nothing against God+me.
i think i've only sent 3/4 invites so far??
so i guess i have no reason to be discouraged =)
i may be the most foolish person, but being foolish for all i stand for, for what's true, for what's holy, for what's changed my world and turned me upside down with unconditional love?
worth it.
every moment.
"plant the seed and God will do the rest.."
revival starts with me.
revival.
Father give me the strength not to be put down, to be one of the few workers who bring in the harvest, to change my world by being the change, to judge none but myself, to invite all for all are chosen, to never give up and to seek Your perfect counsel first; not by my might not power, but by the Spirit of God, for a generation that's lost that they shall find what their calling in life is; how differently wonderful the world is with You around.
Alright enough with the mundane stuff, YOUTHCAMP IS HERE!~!!!!!!!!!!
Haha it's going to be really hard to juggle choir practices with the camp schedule but I'll do it somehow =)))))))))))))
On a side note, I just updated my com with a new windows xprofessional sp2 FINALLY, and installed a 100 gig hard drive (nofairmybrohasa400gigone:(:() and with all the new additions my com feels pretty brand new.
INTERNET EXPLORER 7 TOTALLY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha I totally love it! I think it owns mozilla firefox :P:P:P:P
It's really cool and easy to download from the website so you all should go try it out :)
Alright I don't really have much to say today, and I'm off to do some math and pack up for chem which started 4 hours ago.
Isn't it funny how you never realise how fragile you were?
You think you are strong, able to hide behind a facade of self-ignorance, laughter and pride..
While at the same time subconsiously aware that you are selfish, irresponsible and an exploiter..
And how you arrive at break point suddenly when what built up over months and years suddenly explodes on you and causes you to implode...
And for those next few moments you feel like the shittiest most rotten undeserving garbage that isn't worthy of anything and the world would be better off without..
That's exactly how I felt yesterday..
I broke down..
Bad...
What I didn't foresee coming all at once plummeted me straight in the face, though it took some time...
And to be able to do naught but bury myself in my tee shirt, drenching it almost instantly with tears, mucus and saliva... in my own corner of the bed between sparoidic coughs and gasps of air..
And the weirdest part was... everything was right.
No false accusations...
Just oneself to blame and abhor..
At that point knowing the all to painful reality.. that I have to change.
I can't rely on others no longer...
It's time to get on my own feet and move ahead, this time helping others...
It's a cold and cruel world out there, and at some point no one is going to be able to be there for me... and to stand tall I have to start now.
Yes I am fully aware I have God too, I'll never forget that...
And yesterday after I finally managed to get a grip of myself...
I started worshipping...
I just played one song over and over again...
And started crying to the point that I was unable to sing and just let the music play on...
The song is "Forever" by Hillsong...
And I know that... God is forever.. forgiving and merciful... and I can't thank Him enough...
I'll worship at Your throne Whisper my own love song With all my heart I'll sing For You my Dad and King
I'll live for all my days To put a smile on Your face And when we finally meet It'll be for eternity
And ohh... How wide You open up Your arms When I need Your love How far You would come If ever I was lost... You said that all You'd feel for me Was undying love That You showed me through the cross
I worship You my God I worship You my God I love You I love You Forever I will sing Forever I will be with You Be with You
And ohh... How wide You open up Your arms When I need Your love How far You would come If ever I was lost...
Thanks to the entire choir for singing a birthday song too on UNIFEM performance day.
2)To the Class people, who either did the MAKE BOBBY LAM STAY UNTIL 12AM SO WE CAN DO THE SAME MSN THINGY AND TO CUT SHORT HIS SLEEP/SMS/Came for party:
Thanks so much for the pencil case (I LIKE MY GARFIELD :(:(:( ), uber cool notebook, Topman Card and BOOK ON LOVE ANSWERS (WHAT THE?!?!)
3) To the Church people, who gave me the most UNEXPECTED surprise ever by RUSHING up to the mike immediately after service ended to announce my birthday and the ENTIRE congregation ended up singing the birthday song A FEW TIMES for me while I was on STAGE and while my cake was being lit. I really couldn't have expected something like that.
These are just some of the words I came up with that I want to say to you all, who have touched me more than you'll ever know, and I can never thank you ALL enough =)
Material possesions I doth not desire, Neither position nor credit nor power But one thing I doth wish of thee, my dear friend That thine be mine to cherish, here till the end To have and to guide when thy world is down, To be there to comfort and remove thy frown I dare not but ask that thy thoust doth the same, When I doth despair; help relight my flame As we forge ahead to where seems forlorn, With naught but each other to love and lean on, God, give us all courage and hope and good cheer, For with Thee and blessed friends we've naught to fear
"grow old along with me... the best is yet to be..."
Okay, so I haven't been writing much interesting stuff for a while as you can tell, but there really hasn't been much going on besides the many crazy class parties, sleeping, anime and guitar playing.
Not much till today.
The majority of reasons I get angry and upset is due to my own self, but today, one of the very rare times I must admit, I got infuriated by a shop assistant.
And it really angered me how young people who look inexperienced, poor and cheap don't get proper treatment that others (grown-ups) do.
I went to one of my favourite guitar shops that I haven't been to for a long time to just play around and try out some guitars.
Well yes, when I mention a guitar shop that I like, the place usually contains acoustic guitars that cost $2500 and up, so I guess most people wouldn't dare try them.
But anyway, my dream guitar is from that brand that the shop sells, but unfortunately they didn't have the model I want, not that I'd wanna try it or buy it on the spot nevertheless.
However I do like to try them to hear the sweet, rich tones they emit and hopefully make my day by playing nice songs and tunes on them.
But guess what?
There always is the shop assistant.
I must admit, there are some that are really nice and leave a great impression on me with their friendliness and customer service.
And there are others that are complete idiots who discriminate against small boys and people who just look amateurs.
Today's assistant was a, and I don't say this very often, a complete asshole.
I walked over to my dream brand section just to look around and before I even got 1/4 way through there was a super straight:
"Can I help you?"
As I turned to look at his face, I immediately recognised that all too familiar get-away-from-those-guitars-that-you-could-never-afford-or-are-worthy-of-young-punk look on his face.
Remembering the rather friendly assistant last time, I decided to try my luck anyways.
"yeah err hi, I'd like to try out some guitars.. and I was wondering if I could try out one of these."
As if oblivious to the latter part of my statement, and being the asshole he was, he pointed me over and led me to the cheapest guitar section, especially to the ones on sale and said:
"if you want to try guitars, you should try one of these."
I'm so thankful that I had someone with me there, if not I'd have just walked out of the shop, cos I'm tired with all these kinds of people looking down on me.
So what if I am young??
If I had the capacity to buy a $5000 guitar and a complete idiot like you stopped me from trying out one, it's your stupid loss.
I mean, yeah on the other hand there are idiots who can't play for nuts and want to try out exquisite guitars and are very likely to thrash them around but, you think all young people fall straight into that category you dumb ass??
So nevermind. I just decided to shut up and play that lousy $200? guitar. Being the price that it was it really sucked but I didn't explicitly say it.
I just played about half of a ColdPlay medley that I slightly adapted from the master guitarist Doyle Dykes version as that guy loitered about but kept a strict eye on me.
If I had cut my nails I would have been able to play so much better but I forgot so my playing was only average for that rather hard to pay song.
I think he was able to notice that I wasn't some novice junk but I decided to push him till I could get to one of the guitars I wanted to play.
After putting back this cheap guitar I casually said:
"ah the action is really high on this one.." (which was true)
He tried to test me, or at least I think he did, by saying:
"If you're looking for low action then you should try out a Taylor guitar."
What? So now you trying to see if my knowledge of guitars is limited?
You want me to ask what a Taylor guitar is?
You think I don't know any other brand beside the ones in your shop? And all the other fancy brands I know nuts about??
My wife is a friggin Taylor guitar you dumbo.
Of course, all that came out was:
"Oh I already have a Taylor, and I was thinking of getting a Martin now."
I finally waltzed over to the Martin section once again and decided to test my luck.
"So can I try?"
"which one do you want?" he grunted as he stood by the cheapest lousiest Martin guitars.
I couldn't help thinking to myself what an utter idiot he was the whole time.
I didn't want to push so far so I asked to try a $2880 one.
"please be very careful with it!"
Yeah as if I didn't know that you dickwad. Do I really look that dumb to you?
And the worst part was, the strings were all rusting already.
Take care of it? You aren't.
Not wanting to care about the assistant, I began testing the guitar to check the quality.
Not bad I'll admit, it rings clear, bright and strong when strummed but not too good when I go up the register.
Final conclusion?
My wife sounds at least 5 times better. And my wife is much cheaper too.
Maybe it's cos the strings were old but the feel of the guitar overall wasn't so good.
I know this brand well.
I know the damn good guitars are over $3500 but I decided not to try them.
Especially when that ass said:
"Please don't strum the guitars so hard. They don't belong to you!"
So? I need to test the full range of volume from loud to soft to check the quality right?
And the harder I strum, the more seasoned I'm making the guitar!
More like you're the inexperienced one you unfriendly fool.
Trying to be nice once again, I apologised profusely, I mean, really alot.
At least 10 'sorry's at one go.
But guess what?
That ass didn't look as if he was about to forgive me and looked as pissed as ever.
I just gave up.
I didn't want to play anymore so I just handed back the guitar and walked off.
Yeah so what if I'm not a professional player?
So what if I'm young?
I know I can play pretty decently and I know how to make a guitar ring true and clear but if you're still going to give me that shit-faced look, then I can't be bothered with your stupid shop anymore.
If you put the guitars there just for display, hoping a pro will come along and buy one, then you can wait forever cos other shops know that the bulk of customers are not professionals.
And they make all the money.
You overprice your guitars, and my darling sounds far better than almost all you put on show.
I'll get my dream guitar someday, but not from your stupid shop.
You all don't deserve a single penny from me, not with your shit service.
I'm sorry, I don't usually get angry and I know I shouldn't be upset but sometimes I just can't help myself.
I shall now talk about something which I've been too lazy to talk about for sometime, but since so many people have asked me about it, I shall address it once and for all.
If you have so kindly noticed,I rarely tag on tagboards, both on my own and other people's.
Even if you do explicitly ask me to tag, I tend not to anyway.
Why??
Cos I think me tagging on someone's board or even my own is something SPECIAL!
Haha =P
I think it's kind of sad to tag on one's own tagboard cos it's there for other people to tag, not for yourself...
If not the tagboard will be filled with...
Half your own tags..
SO SAD RIGHT?!?
Not like my blog gets alot of tags anyway but still..
Not like I'm desperate for attention or something.
Why?
Cos I know YOU are reading my blog =D
To put it simply, I shall now classify how privileged you are with my Tag Meter:
IF I have replied to YOUR tag on my blog,
~ You are SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog and tagged once,
~ You are QUITE SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog and tagged more than once,
~ You are VERY SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog, tagged, and replied YOUR reply specifically,
~ You are EXTREMELY SPECIAL, and should be thankful that you're so privileged to be on my honor roll.
IF I have gone to YOUR blog, tagged, replied your reply, replied your reply to my reply, or tagged it more than 5 times,
~ You should just go buy the 10 milliondollar lottery, confirm will strike. Either that or,
~ I have an ulterior motive
However,
~ I've never done such a thing before so TOO BAD, no millionaire's just yet.
Exception to this meter:
1. My class blog. I can't help tagging on this one haha.
So, if you happen to be so lucky, be it on my tagging spree, or cos I wanted to disturb you, or cos you pleaded me excessively, or cos I happened to care a little extra for you at that moment...
BE GRATEFUL!
Cos it'll probably never happen again.
probably.
Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate each and every one of your tags.
I really do =D
Moving along, I wrote a song entitled "That Should Be Life" last year, and I promised to come up with a second verse but I haven't done so till recently.
So yay it's finally completed.
Sorry that I can only post lyrics once again, but this is my first contemporary pop song that I ever wrote and I like it so much.
It also sort of inspired one of my classmates last year so I'm quite impressed LOL.
Well if anybody has a recording studio do let me know so I can go record it LOL, or else too bad just got to wait till I premier it on Singapore Idol 3.
I shall now talk about something which I've been too lazy to talk about for sometime, but since so many people have asked me about it, I shall address it once and for all.
If you have so kindly noticed,I rarely tag on tagboards, both on my own and other people's.
Even if you do explicitly ask me to tag, I tend not to anyway.
Why??
Cos I think me tagging on someone's board or even my own is something SPECIAL!
Haha =P
I think it's kind of sad to tag on one's own tagboard cos it's there for other people to tag, not for yourself...
If not the tagboard will be filled with...
Half your own tags..
SO SAD RIGHT?!?
Not like my blog gets alot of tags anyway but still..
Not like I'm desperate for attention or something.
Why?
Cos I know YOU are reading my blog =D
To put it simply, I shall now classify how privileged you are with my Tag Meter:
IF I have replied to YOUR tag on my blog,
~ You are SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog and tagged once,
~ You are QUITE SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog and tagged more than once,
~ You are VERY SPECIAL
IF I have gone to YOUR blog, tagged, and replied YOUR reply specifically,
~ You are EXTREMELY SPECIAL, and should be thankful that you're so privileged to be on my honor roll.
IF I have gone to YOUR blog, tagged, replied your reply, replied your reply to my reply, or tagged it more than 5 times,
~ You should just go buy the 10 milliondollar lottery, confirm will strike. Either that or,
~ I have an ulterior motive
However,
~ I've never done such a thing before so TOO BAD, no millionaire's just yet.
Exception to this meter:
1. My class blog. I can't help tagging on this one haha.
So, if you happen to be so lucky, be it on my tagging spree, or cos I wanted to disturb you, or cos you pleaded me excessively, or cos I happened to care a little extra for you at that moment...
BE GRATEFUL!
Cos it'll probably never happen again.
probably.
Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate each and every one of your tags.
I really do =D
Moving along, I wrote a song entitled "That Should Be Life" last year, and I promised to come up with a second verse but I haven't done so till recently.
So yay it's finally completed.
Sorry that I can only post lyrics once again, but this is my first contemporary pop song that I ever wrote and I like it so much.
It also sort of inspired one of my classmates last year so I'm quite impressed LOL.
Well if anybody has a recording studio do let me know so I can go record it LOL, or else too bad just got to wait till I premier it on Singapore Idol 3.
Haha there are very few songs that come along that I actually find interesting..
These songs don't always have to have lyrics that make sense ( cos I don't understand some lyrics here) but as long as they have a nice tune..
The kind that you could sing endlessly and not get sick of..
Then I really like them.
Haha so anyways here's Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.
I don't even know what Grey's Anatomy is but the other videos really suck in quality so just have to make do with this :)
Yupp.
Chasing Cars
We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here Lf I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know How to say How I feel
Those three words I've said too much But not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads
I need your grace To remind me To find my own
chorus again. All that I am All that I ever was Is found in your perfect eyes They're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here.. If I just lay here... Would you lie with me and just forget the world...
Why am I trying so hard to solve someone else's problem before my own??
Is it out of true care and concern?
At a level of good friendship??
Or is it because of something else..
Maybe altruism?
Or something deeper.. something emotional...
I don't know.
I'll never know..
And I don't want to make any wild guesses anymore..
Every single previous time has been a wild guess..
And although at the start I'm so sure I'm right, it always turns out wrong in the end.
Why did I keep throwing myself into something I still nurse the wounds of??
But this time is different isn't it?
It's different.. it really is..
It had to be for the recent events to have unfolded the way they did..
It feels completely different from every past try.. and I think it might have a different result for this once... and I can say with more certainty that it feels.. right.
But then again I'm not 100% sure...
And it's always easy to reason out something and believe in it.
And lies are terribly easy to believe it too right??
I don't know.
Back to about me, am I trying to avoid something??
Am I putting on a facade by leaving aside the problem, or will I put on more of the steeple if I were to delve into it and try solving it...
Every single previous time I've tried to solve it.. it ended back at square one again..
And I'm just getting so sick and tired of trying to put up a false front.
I've learnt all too well that I can't make people adjust to what I want them to be, and concurrently, I can't adjust to what other people want of me.
Adjust in the fullest sense of the word.
I feel as if I've evolved.. yet at the same time shrunk..
I feel so big, yet so small.
With the gravity of academics slapping me so hard...
I can't believe the audacity I had to expect what I did..
I'm a total idiot..
I have been a total idiot for the past 5 years of my life to make the same mistake again and again..
What now shall I do?
Pick myself up and take each day as it comes?
But with each new day I carry the worries of the previous one along with me??
I never expected to be more busy after my promos than before it but..
It now seems that I assumed wrong lol.
With all the many activites, past (OPEN HOUSE), present (PW & CHINESE :() and future (KI PAPER 3 & SATS), I suddenly feel as if getting by the promos is no big deal.
That being said, I also don't want to get back my results anymore..
I think all my hopes of taking H3 Econs.. have diminished..
Sigh...
Haha okay I don't intend to be depressing today so on a lighter note, yes I do have braces now.
The brackets are Red, Blue and Gold in colour.
I'm so patriotic right??
I smile ACJC =D
It was kinda dumb.. cos right, they put a numbing thing which lasts for a few hours when they install the braces, so I was happily eating mcdonalds after I got it done on monday without any problems.
However, that night, as I bit a slice of toast bread for dinner..
OMY FREAK I ALMOST SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY 4 FRONT TEETH WERE UBERRRRRRR PAINFUL LAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I almost completely lost my appetite there and then but luckily I didn't.
The ironic thing was, the very next morning, less than 24 hours after I got the braces and almost killed myself the night before, I ate fried squid from the taste of the orient stall.
My methodology was simple:
Cut it up and chew with my molars :)
However, I forgot to see two things.
->That the fried squid is actually very stubbornly hard.
->That my molar gum muscles get very tired very quickly.
My entire breakfast ended up with me trying to dissolve the fried squid with my saliva before swallowing it whole...
Not a very pleasurable and comfortable process I must say...
Oh well so the only thing I haven't done with my braces is had a meal of porridge, which just about everybody else did when they got them LOL.
It's quite funny, suddenly having so many people grinning weirdly at me and pestering me to smile..
And also quite funny that all the people with/who have had braces giving me advice haha.
Oh I also found out something..
The painkillers that my doctor gave me?
Don't work.
What good news.
Haha well at least all the pain is gone now, but for the past two days it was really irritating and quite painful at times.
Brushing my teeth has also now become alot more painstakingly slow.
Ahh at least the pain was unable to deter me sleeping peacefully :)
Okays I'm going back to the mundanity of chinese now.. :(
If you haven't seen my braces and are terribly curious to see how weird I look, you can try asking me to grin for you.
Whether I decide to show you or not is an entirely different matter:P
WHOAR I think the word ' FUN ' is not enough to describe my day LOL!!!
1SA<3 SENTOSA OUTING
Haha I will give a detailed update when I get the photos..
Anyhow as much as I want to, I can't afford to have so much fun anymore..
With the SATs on Dec 2nd, the KI Paper 3 4500 word Assignment for which my proposal to UCLES is due in February, PROJECT WORK at the end of the month, and of course CHINESE on nov 3rd..
I'm seriously gonna have to push myself to the limit haha..
But yeah I guess to get into Cornell hard work is a necessity..
Woar.. Like one year ago in Barker... I wouldn't even have dreamed about these things lah..
Now it doesn't seem so crazily impossible anymore...
I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha.. well besides acad...
I know I'm forcing myself not to do anything..
I can't... I just don't have enough time..
And I'm not too sure whether this is the rebound effect...
Anyway, I have been searching for a song I wrote last year for a long time..
To me, it's the best song I've ever written yet for an out-of-worship context, and I was so sad when I couldn't find where I had stored it..
Well while looking through my folders today, I FINALLY FOUND IT AGAIN!!!
It was a song I wrote for my sisters wedding but...
Unfortunately it wasn't 'wedding' enough to be performed...
Oh well..
I'd just like to share it with you all anyways, even if it's just the lyrics.
I sure hope I'd get to perform it sometime to share the song with everyone, maybe during Arts Night next year haha.
Verse 1: The first thing I notice as I wake up is the sunlight, Streaming through my window The dawn over the land
The first things I notice as I step out are the flowers, Blooming with such beauty Swaying in the breeze
And I can't help...
Pre-Chorus 1: But think to myself, 'who's this painter? Who paints these landscapes and these portraits? Who's my artist and my sculptor, Who gave me life and gave me hope?'
Chorus: And I thank You For You are faithful and true Everything You have said you will do Each morning Your mercies are new And I love You Can't express my joy but to praise You And trust You in all that I do Live loud till I meet You, Till I meet You...
Verse 2: The first things I cherish as I go about are the people, People who are concerned for me My friends and my family
The first I recall as I start to frown is the promise That I'm never alone There's always One who cares for me
And I can't help...
Pre-Chorus 2: But think to myself who's my master Who gave me friends who make my day? Who's my closest friend and guardian Who's grace will guide me all the way?
Verse 3: The first things I notice as I off the lights are the stars Shining in the night sky Sparkling with such delight
The last thing I notice as I close my eyes is the comfort And inexplicable peace Knowing tomorrow will be fine
And I can't help...
Pre-Chorus 3: But think to myself, who's this giver, Who gives me strength to face each day? Who's my angel who watches o'er me, Who makes me burst with passion to say...
"... I thank You For You are faithful and true Everything You have said you will do Each morning Your mercies are new And I love You Can't express my joy but to praise You And trust You in all that I do Live loud till I meet You, Till I meet You...
PROMOS ARE OVER~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Technically I should be super happy, but after the chem paper.........
Well lets not talk about it.
Oh man... my A A B B grades that I were aiming for.. now definitely is impossible T.T
I'll probably get like A B D E instead lah....
BOOHOO!! Anyway the past like 16 hours have been crazy lah..
Crazily fun that is..
Rushed home after chem then to church for a moment then to class dinner at Taka Breeks.
After that we went to Beatrix's the class reps place for stayover..
Not bad got 14 ppl that stayed..
LOL crazily fun lah we watched 3 movies, celebrated Claire's birthday, played a truth game where everyone was questioned like crazy, including me, played playstation like mad and chatted a good lot!!!
STUPID CLASS PPL!!
YOU ALL THINK I BLIND ISIT? NEVER NOTICE WHAT YOU ALL TRYING TO DO ISIT??
CHEN LEHENG!! still can say: "but she's a nice girl wad..." and TWICE somemore...
Wha lau...
But the chatting was really a great time of sharing =)
Haha.. SA3 UNITED!!!
Really super happy that our class is so ultra duper united, still can't really believe our luck lol.
First time I've slept so little at a stayover.. like only 1 hour lah..
AND WHEN IT CAME TO TODAY, IT DIDN'T END IN THE MORNING!!!
After breakfast we went to town to catch World Trade Centre...
HWOAR THAT IS LIKE THE SADDEREST SADDEST ULTIMATE TEAR-JERKING SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN CAN?!?!?
really cuts to your heart lah..
the entire show you fight super quantumquadruper hard not to cry, and it gets progressively harder and harder..
Stupid newspaper reporter lah.. it is at least 4/5 stars can?!?
TRUST ME, IF YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS SHOW PLEASE BRING AT LEAST 2 BOXES OF TISSUE, YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!!!
If this show can't make you cry.. no other show can lah..
Argh just came home super tired.. time I going to ZzZ now haha.
Haha so much has happened this week but nothing has made me 0.0 more than this!! haha this really is quite funny. Cheers everyone!! will update once promos are over!!! JIA YOU!!!!!!!
So the past week has only been a moderately productive one..
Only managed to study till 10pm for tues, wed and thurs.. T.T
Well technically not thurs cos I went home slightly earlier to catch season finale of Lost II..
So anti-climax can??
Well now that my mock papers are finally over.. I can stay in school till 10 everyday!!!
Haha the dinners provided by the PAT(Parents Action Team) are superb can??
Pasta+pasta+fried rice+ chicken stew..
HWOARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! YUMMMM x 10000000!!!!
So yes my mugger partner all the way has been Jingwei.. and some days Colleen too haha..
2 people mugging together is the best.
+1 more increases productivity only slightly.
+1 more starts to go into negative productivity.
+1 more, split into two groups lah retards.
Haha here is an interesting fact for all of you.
You know that Jingwei has been staying by himself at a 2-room flat with a dentist since the start of sec 4 right??
Well come next year I will be joining him, cos the dentist is moving out in December.
So we'll be mugging from the start of Jan till A Levels are over, our goal being to ease through the prelims then to ace the A Levels!!!!
Yeah I know that there'll be many other things to do along the way, but without a television set, lots of newspapers, highly powerful computer..
It'll be the perfect conducive environment for studying..
NO DISTRACTIONS BABYY!!!
Aside from my guitar but that's never a distraction.
Yeah I suddenly like have got all my ambitions sorted out.
haha do you want to know??
I want to do undergrad at the University of Cornell reading Hospitality Management..
So my ultimate aim is to become the General Manager of some bigshot hospital like Tan Tock Seng or some huge hotel like the Ritz Carlton..
MAYBE EVEN THE ENTIRE INTEGRATED RESORT!!!!!
Haha woah that's like the ultimate of ultimates!!
Yes yes so I must therefor mug hard hard all through next year so that Cornell will accept a kukubird like me.
Haha but that aside, studying from promos has got to up a pace from here on.
Everyday mann... c'mon Bobby you can do it!!!
And I've finally gotten the Wesley Youth Ministry Camp 2006 forms!!!
YEAH!!!!
Haha I've already talked to my class people about it and they seem quite keen to go HOORAY!!
I also put a notice on the blog to inform them today, cos the Camp Commandent the beloved GP teacher Joshua Lim will be coming to visit tmr and Advertise the camp :):):):)
Haha yes even if half the class goes.. it'll be absolutely fantastic..
So sad cos I got to miss the last day of camp.. but by then most of the fun would be over so I guess it's alright :)
yeah~!!!!
F.E.A.R
Featuring Extreme Awe and Reverence. YMCAMP06. Are you ready?
yep.
okay that's all for the weekly post. maybe I won't even use the com on weekends next time haha!
now off to do somemore KI..
must get C for it if not I'll be forced to drop T.T
Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market-place, and cried incessantly: 'I am looking for God! I am looking for God!'
As many of those who did not believe in God were standing together there, he excited considerable laughter.
'Have you lost him, then?' said one. 'Did he lose his way like a child?' said another.' Or is he hiding?''Is he afraid of us?'' Has he gone on a voyage?''or emigrated?' Thus they shouted and laughed. The madman sprang into their midst and pierced them with his glances.
'Where has God gone?' he cried. 'I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sidewards, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead.And we have killed him.'
'How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto.'
Here the madman fell silent and again regarded his listeners; and they too were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern to the ground, and it broke and went out...
OH MY GOODNESS I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE MUSIC VIDEOS OF STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN!!
I found this live video.. Steven performing for the President of the United States.. just him and his guitar... and he talks about how the song he wrote, "God is God" found especially new meaning when Sept 11 happened..
Ahh if ever someone I want/wanted to write somgs like, it would be him.. he's just so gifted..
"a man of greatest authority is a man who is under great authority"
Here is a picture of our 101% original Choir Smiley!! Two complete pictures are below in the post!! :) I happened to read my old blog posts, the ones I wrote in October last year.
I came across a post where I was painfully awoken by fear intensely gripping my heart, fear so heavy and real.
No it wasn't from some super duper scary horror movie nor cos I was going to do flying fox the next day, but it was fear cos O Lvl's was just around the corner.
Woah...
Somewhere inside me the feeling I had then might suddenly resurface..
And I'll probably hate it but..
It's kind of funny and.. weird..
Like the Promos are way harder than the O's.. and much closer too..
But like yet I'm not feeling the fear I had..
Maybe cos it's not major graduation exam but yet..
It still is terribly important nonetheless...
Oh well maybe I do need that fear to jolt my body into discipline once more.
So anyway yesterday was one of the super duper most tiring days I've ever had so far..
It started off with me not having a good sleep, then waking up duper early to go to a surprise birthday gathering at Cherie's place.
Wha lau super quantumquadruper anti-climax..
After the mom opened the door and she came out and we sang happy birthday she was like..
Half-emotionless and said:
"thanks! come in.."
-.-"
thanks come in..
WHA LAU SUPER ANTI-CLIMAX x 1000
I think next time the ultra chao ji plan would definitely involve us not telling the parents, whoseever parents it may be.
Pssht.
So anyways then the choir comm headed to school for banner painting.
PAINTED FROM 9AM TO 5PM CAN!?
Oh my goodness I can't believe I half-died trying to paint banners LOL!
Well I did spend most of my energy trying to run away from BRENDAN AU, HEATH CHAN AND STEPHEN NATANIEL GUNAWAN WHO WERE DESPERATELY TRYING TO PAINT ME!
Well.. actually stephen wanted to kick my ass cos I painted him first LOL!
But wah.. never ran so hard and so long in ages lah..
Panted like crazy..
By like 3 o clock I was so tired I power napped on one of the benches in the void deck..
Oh my goodness.. everything from my hair down to my toes were painted lah..
Sometime across the study of K&I or Philosophy, my teacher said there'd bound to be something that will make me angry.
What he meant was that there'd be some idea I didn't support and would be biased against and try to undermine but I'd find myself not being able to.
And I'm beginning to realise more and more the truth of his statement.
I find myself so vastly inadequate and unknowledgeable when I read across all the text of thousands of Philosophers past and present.
What gets me most upset?
When there is an article that is anti-christian that I cannot argue against because I just have no content to support myself.
And the number of articles that add up in this aspect are..
Too many to count because alot of things entail this area..
Like how there is no such thing as God, or how humans came about by evolution, or how we cannot prove that God exists or how Christianity has been so inconsistent and YES I absolutely cannot prove those passages wrong cos I don't know anything..
What I thought I knew is just..
Relatively nothing..
I too want to know so much about my faith..
Where was God during the crusades?
Why did He allow them to happen?
Thousands upon thousands were massacred in the name of God..
Why?
Why did God change His nature from the Old to the New Testament?
Why are the two creation stories in the bible different?
Adam was indeed the first man created right? But God created many other men and women and they all didn't come through Adam right?
Why did God create us??
Why do we worship Him if He is omni-benevolent?
Why why why why...
I find myself at an infinite regress of questions..
Argh..
And I don't have time to pursue the answers because I'm just so bogged down by so many other things..
And to top it all of Metaphysics is only one of the Five large areas of K&I..
sigh...
Someone once gave me this proposition:
"Can God create a stone that He cannot carry?"
I realise that I cannot answer that question because either way it will disprove God in some manner..
Pfft...
I need the help of a theologian who can tell me everything..
Ah so my sis migrated this morning to live and work with her husband in New York for an indefinite amount of time.
You know like an SIA First Class ticket straight to New York costs like $10000.
Like my sister went there last month with her husband, then flew back, then today going back again..
That's like... $40000 spent on flying..
And you know what??
It's all paid by the company.
ARGH I WANT ALSO!!!!!!
Haha anyway yesterday was Teachers' Day Survivor Celebrations!!
Didn't really get to enjoy it since I missed most of it but oh well..
Stupid Lydia Toh and her 1AH kept laughing at me cos they said my actions were so funny during For the Longest Time..
Oh well good to know that I actually can appear to be humourous.
Then later in the afternoon was DOTAcsians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOAH it was super fun lah!
Everyone was running around like mad throwing waterbombs and screaming at each other.
I'm so proud of the choir, only 1 guy didn't turn up and everyone played so hard haha!!
But then after the 2nd round letsee...
I got caught, dragged on a field soaked with rainwater, mud, grass and everything in between, rolled over and had two pails full of mud dumped on me all thanks to KATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAWR!!
So much for being the gamemaster lah.. plan everything so hard and then this is what I get in return haiz..
Actually I did manage to escape but the guys said I should just be a sport so FINE LAH I DID!!
Couldn't open my eyes after that and I head-butted into some girl LOL!!
Woah my game name so super original right?
Defense of the ACSians.. (DOTA)
Even the student council already approached me and asked if they could use my creation MUHAHAHAHA!!
(Head inflates to like five times the size)
LOL my er ge said I should charge them copyright fees.
Oh well maybe I shall haha.
Ahh here I am at home on a nice Friday afternoon slacking.
Should I continue to slack??
So much work to do!!
Haha nvm I shall take a BREAK TODAY!!!!!
Hopefully I don't regret my decision.
ANYWAY I'M SUPER EXCITED COS OF THIS YEAR'S YOUTH CAMP!!!
Haha it's going to be super duper ultrafun lah.. like the one event no one should miss in the year..
It's really strange cos you go to the camp expecting something phenomenal and ground-shaking to happen but..
You don't exactly know what..
BUT IT ALWAYS HAPPENS IN SOME FANTASTIC WAY!!!
And the feeling you get is just.. incredible..
and un-explainable..
HAHA I'm so thrilled lah confirm something spectacular is also going to happen this year.
I mean yeah in the midst of the holidays I'll be busy preparing for caroling with the choir but, I'm sure I'll only have to leave the camp once or twice for like 4 hours to pratice then back to FUN FUN FUN!!!!!!!
And the best part is I'm going to invite my ENTIRE CLASS and the camp commandant was our GP teacher for like 4 weeks this past term so they have another incentive to go, to have fun with their beloved fun young GP teacher.
Haha hopefully like most of the class can make it for this expected 400 youths turnout camp.
Ahh but so sad cos I can't play for the worship team but..
Oh well that means I get to spend more time during the camp with people, to get to know them better n stuff..
December 5-8th at YWCA Orchard.
I'm all set haha.
I sure do hope no one misses out on this once in a lifetime opportunity..
(Well technically it's once every year bu since every camp is different so..)
I decided to calculate a bit of the dimensions of heaven.
I used microsoft paint to help me so that I could get a better view lol.
Height, Length and breadth are all an equal length of 603 KM..
The thing that impresses me most is the height..
603 Kilometres..
Thats like.. 75 TIMES THE HEIGHT OF MT EVEREST!!!
Can you imagine standing at the foot of the wall and looking up?!?
Like... You probably won't even see 1/100 of the height of the wall..
WOAH!!
And I thought I wasn't short...
And the wall is 65 metres thick..
Can you imagine 65 metres of diamond??
Like...
Even a nuclear bomb wouldn't be able to do anything..
Letsee... I will post the chapter of Revelations later on so you can get it slightly more in detail but I shall do some of my own random calculations..
If there are 30 Billion people altogether (my assumption), and 10 Billion ( I sure hope there are not so many) who go to hell, there will be 20 Billion left.
If there are 20 Billion who eventually make it to heaven, there will be 40 Billion angels as there are two angels guarding each person.
Assuming God takes up 90000 Square Kilometres (300kmx300km), (pretty small considering He's bigger than the universe) that will leave us with 273609 Square Kilometres to occupy.
Assuming the ground space is for Human Beings only and all the angels fly about above us and don't come down to earth, that leaves us with..
13.7 Square metres per person!!!
Which is about..
3.7 by 3.7 metres (square calculation) to walk about.
Not bad, quite comfortable.
That is assuming that God's throne takes up 300 Square Kilometres.
But I forgot to include the heavenly emsemble!!
Well let's just assume the angels will be playing their instruments in the air.
So for the angels..
If the volume of heaven is 219256227 Kilometres Cube...
And assuming God occupies a volume of 27000000 KM Cube,
They have 192256227 KMC of space to occupy..
That leaves them with...
4.8 KMC of space per angel, pretty alot.
But the problem is I don't know the average size of an angel..
If in heaven an average angels size is 1 kilometre cube..
And each of them plays an instrument of 1 KMC in size too..
Then woah they would have really little space to fly about..
And probably the most one could do would be to spread its wings before it knocks into another angel haha.
But if they were like 10x10 metres in size..
They would be like.. free
Haha I really don't know how big an angel is..
I also forgot to include the area of the river ahhhh!!!!
Its only 852 km long though..
The Nile River is 6852km long...
Oh well we'll never thirst anyway so no difference..
Hmm if the human average walking speed is 7km/hour..
Then it would take 86 hours to walk the length of heaven...
If we decided to take the longest route, the one along the river, it would take us 121 hours..
Pretty long..
Considering we'd probably spend 15 hours talking to every person we meet along the way, and in 852 kilometres we'll come across 230270 people..
(Assuming the 3.7 metre occupied space per person in length)
By the time we reached the other end of heaven from one side it'll be..
3454175 hours..
Or 143923 days...
Or 394.3 years..
That's a pretty short time considering we'd be spending all eternity in heaven..
But that is just one route..
There's still the other 2000000kmsquared to walk..
Oh!!
What about all the time spent admiring heaven?!?
I think it'll take like what..
500 years?!?
And to talk to God would take about..
1000 years to have all our questions answered?!?
Plus all the praise and worship..
Looks like heaven won't be so boring after all haha.
OOps I FORGOT TO ADD IN THE AREA OF THE TWELVE FRUIT TREES!!!!
Argh...
I think by the time I include everything we'd have no space so we'll be all back to back..
But if there is no sweat in heaven, and the only fragrance is the sweet one of God..
Then I guess everybody wouldn't mind, even though all our hands would be raised worshipping and our faces would probably be in each others armpits..
Assuming we have our earthly bodies!!
Or maybe in heaven out armpits smell the best..
Hmm..
So anyway revelations goes on to state that the glory of God provides all the light ever needed..
Illuminating every thing..
And there would be no day nor night nor darkness nor shadows..
Each time I try to imagine a place without shadows it boggles my mind..
No shadows..
Kind of surreal..
Yeah well I guess that heaven would be kind of surreal..
But no shadows.. interesting..
Which would mean the glory of God saturates every particle so light is in everything.
hmmmmmmmmmmm...
Then would we still be able to tell one apart from the other cause shadows do help define features...
Maybe our souls will have some intralink to tell us apart..
Ahh I still don't know..
So anyway this is my measure of heaven..
If I think of anything else I will add it another time..
Haha but once again I may be completely wrong, because though the bigger dimensions are stated in the bible..
Heaven would be pretty small considering God can create the universe which is like 10^1000 times bigger..
So why make heaven so small??
But for now, here is all the details that I didn't include.
Revelations 21:
"1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.
2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
5He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
6He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.
7He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
8But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."
9One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, "Come, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb."
10And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God.
11It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.
12It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel.
13There were three gates on the east, three on the north, three on the south and three on the west.
14The wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15The angel who talked with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city, its gates and its walls.
16The city was laid out like a square, as long as it was wide. He measured the city with the rod and found it to be 12,000 stadia[a]in length, and as wide and high as it is long.
17He measured its wall and it was 144 cubits[b] thick,[c] by man's measurement, which the angel was using.
18The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass.
19The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third chalcedony, the fourth emerald,
20the fifth sardonyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst.[d]
21The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass.
22I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple.
23The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp.
24The nations will walk by its light, and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it.
25On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there.
26The glory and honor of the nations will be brought into it.
27Nothing impure will ever enter it, nor will anyone who does what is shameful or deceitful, but only those whose names are written in the Lamb's book of life."
Revelations 22:
"The River of Life
1Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb
2down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.
3No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him.
4They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads.
5There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
6The angel said to me, "These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God of the spirits of the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place."
I know you’ve heard the stories But they all sound too good to be true You’ve heard about a place called home But there doesn’t seem to be one for you So one more night you cry yourself to sleep And drift off to a distant dream
Where love takes you in and everything changes A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in
And somewhere while you’re sleeping Someone else is dreaming too Counting down the days until They hold you close and say I love you And like the rain that falls into the sea In a moment what has been is lost in what will be
When love takes you in everything changes A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
And this love will never let you go There is nothing that could evercause this love to lose its hold
When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in...
Well all is finally past.
Tomorrow I will hand over my Class Representitive badge to the new elected representitive.
And till December 2007 I will step down from the Worship Team in church.
I've made so so many utterly horrible mistakes in life.
It hurts.
It sucks.
Especially knowing I've brought everything upon myself.
And I've pierced my own heart so many times.
I hate it when I switch personalities unconsciously.
From an I to a S or a D.
Why can't I just be an SC?
Things would be so much easier, I wouldn't have to struggle with so much.
Particularly the false front/split personality aspect.
It really sucks because it's not something that I can control or that I decide.
And of late, I'm really beginning to space out alot.
And I have no idea why.
I thought it was because my thoughts were drifting a certain someone.
But then even when that someone was around, I realised I still spaced out.
Spacing out doesn't equate to thinking of nothing, rather of many many things.
Is this a sign of depression?
Maybe I am depressed.
But if I sleep soundly every night then I shouldn't be right??
Why am I so stupid..
Why am I so foolish..
Why am I being so unfair to all the people around me..
The World isn't a fair place??
Yupp, because of people like me; irresponsible and lazy.
Things would be so much easier under certain circumstances..
But why are they put in this way..
The ways that are the hardest possible..
I'm so so sorry I know I promised not to post or even think of any negative stuff..
But sometimes I just can't help myself..
If only I was given the chance to start afresh, in a place where nobody knows me..
If only I was a farm boy who lived in the outskirts in the middle of nowhere, who attended a quiet country side church and met some simple christian farm girl who would suport me through life and we'd live in our own corner of our small world away from everything else...
If only, if only if only...
If only I'd look around more closely..
And someone should just slap me so damn hard right now..
Because I am born again...
And I can be as many times as I want to..
And I...
I'm not a sinner.. I am a saint..
All of us are...
So I should stop trying to struggle through all this myself...
And let he who Knows, take charge..
Treasure of Jesus by Steven Curtis Chapman
What can I do..?
How can I live?
To show my world,
The treasure of Jesus
What will it take..?
What could I give?
So they can know,
The treasure He is
And if I can sing,
Let my songs be full of His glory
If I can speak
Let my words, be full of His grace
And if I should live or die..
Let me be found pursuing this prize..
The one that alone satisfies..
The Treasure of Jesus
I'm sorry that the website that provides me with songs on the blog doesn't have this song so I cannot upload it.
But I still want to share this song cause it touches me so much.
